That Which We Call A Rose

On the front seat of my car, there sits Olivia's official birth certificate, needed for her kindergarten registration. Only it isn't exactly Olivia's birth certificate. It is Grace's birth certificate which was the name given to her in haste and indecision moments before we left the hospital after her birth. And the time has come to once and for all put the naming debacle behind us and move ahead.

I take full responsibility for the fact that my daughter is nearly five and is not yet properly or officially named. I was an emotional wreck at the time of her birth and in no way should I have been given the responsibility of making a decision with life-long consequences, like naming a child. And the longer the the controversy went on, the worse it got. I don't know how it happened. I know what I wanted to name her. Which is different from what she got named. And also different from what she got called. And I have only myself, and my own post-partum, emotionally unstable, brain-fogged stupidity to blame. And it is seriously time to move on.

I kept waiting to make the change on her birth certificate until I could do it without any regrets. But it has been almost five years, and I really can't wait anymore, not without causing her problems. I don't want her to have to explain every year to her teacher why her name on the school role is different than what she gets called. I don't want her to have to go to the bother of having official records changed later in life. And I may never be able to let all of this go, because that is how I am. I hold on to stuff and suffer over it and worry and stew. But that should be my problem, not hers. I don't want her to have one moment of inconvenience or worry due to my indecision.

So, as one last feeble attempt to get my way, I asked my youngest daughter today if she wanted to change her name. She gave me a very puzzled look, and thought for a minute. Then she said, "But I want my name to be Olivia."

And that is going to be that. She is going to be officially Olivia. She already IS Olivia, or Livvi, Livvibug, Livvi Grace or Gracie Girl. And no matter what we call her, she is the same kid she has always been. The fact that she is here, and part of us now, and so much herself in every way, is so much bigger and better than anything we could call her. She is going to have enough to deal with in life, having me as a mother. I will have plenty of angst to bestow upon her through the years, but name angst will not be part of it.